Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
