We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
