Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
