So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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