Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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