I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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