Your tits are I can't wait for
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
