So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
