I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
