this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
