I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
