i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
