I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
