i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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