Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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