I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
