he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
