I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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