if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
