i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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