i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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