Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
