I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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