u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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