the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
