In America we eat man semen.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
