I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
There's always time for handjobs
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
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