His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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