I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
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It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
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There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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