my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Your penis caused this!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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