I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Randomize
