Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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