I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She bit a glass in half.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
