alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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