dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
