im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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