The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I enjoy the company of your penis