God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
