you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
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Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him