I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
