got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
