You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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