Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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