a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
