i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
