The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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