Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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