Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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