You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
