i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
