im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
