my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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