Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
