ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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