And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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