my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
