In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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