the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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