everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
