You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
