If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
