I wish my penis had an off switch
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Randomize
