you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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