I'm pants shitting drunk right now
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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